


Tokyo Babylon: A Save Fangirls Story

by Tammaiya



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Gen, M/M, Parody, Seishirou's mummy issues, Subaru is VERY FORGETFUL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-26
Updated: 2005-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-16 00:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8079613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammaiya/pseuds/Tammaiya
Summary: Parody of the first volume of Tokyo Babylon. Exceedingly silly and not to be taken seriously.





	

The scene: Tokyo, 1990, beginning of the year. An evil assassin known as the Sakurazukamori made a bet with a nine-year-old child seven years ago-- he likes odd numbers-- and is back to collect on it. The child forgot the bet; the assassin remembered.  
  
"You're cute," is what the assassin had said. "Well, for a nine-year-old, anyway. I bet you'll be _really_ cute when you're older. Even the Sakura likes you- you match her petal tone! So how about we make a bet? When you're sixteen, I bet I can get you to fall in love with me."  
  
"Um," the child said, "you're a bit weird, mister."  
  
"I have mummy issues," the teenager said with wounded indignation. "You don't have to be mean about it, geez."  
  
"Sorry," the child said. "Um. What happens if I lose the bet?"  
  
"Then _everyone_ is happy!" the teenager announced brightly. "Give me your hands."  
  
The child, being a trusting wee thing, did so immediately and was surprised when they lit up with inverted pentagrams.  
  
"Look, it's a gift," the teenager said, inordinately pleased with himself. "They're shiny! And pretty! And they'll help me find you again!"  
  
Subaru looked at his hands. The pentagrams were kind of pretty, actually. "Okay," he said. "See you in seven years, mister," and he wandered home and promptly forgot all about it because strange things happen in the world of a small child all the time and really, he couldn't be expected to remember _everything_.  
  
His grandmother, on the other hand, immediately freaked out at the idea that her heir was being stalked by a magic-wielding paedophile and immediately made him start wearing charmed gloves.  
  
"Was he good-looking?" his twin sister asked him.  
  
He shrugged. "I guess?"  
  
"Then I wonder what Grandma's problem is," she said thoughtfully, and returned to work accessorising with Subaru's gloves.  
  
Back to the present, however.  
  
**TOKYO BABYLON: A SAVE FANGIRLS STORY PART 1**  
  
Return to the year 1990, the year the assassin (complete with weird mummy issues), hereafter known as Sakurazuka Seishirou, has come to collect on his bet with Sumeragi Subaru, now age sixteen and head of the onmyouji clan Sumeragi. Being eighteen at the time of the initial bet, Seishirou is now twenty-five.  
  
Chalk up paedophiliac tendencies next to the mummy issues, then.  
  
Zoom in; Subaru and Seishirou are in Seishirou's van after one of Subaru's cases. Hokuto is also there. Subaru is telling them about the case.  
  
Let's begin.  
  
~  
  
The case had been pretty routine, Subaru explained. Nothing really out of the ordinary or difficult to cope with, just a normal exorcism.  
  
Well, aside from the bit where the possessed lady had tried to steal his gloves, anyway. ("Are those Prada? I want them! I _need_ them! They're the perfect colour, give them to me or else!") That had been a bit freaky. She'd apologised afterwards, but she didn't actually stop eying his hands.  
  
He didn't tell Seishirou and Hokuto that, however. He didn't think it was vitally important, and besides, he needed all the dignity he could get when in the same location as those two.  
  
"I still don't know why a spirit would want to possess clothes," Subaru said finally, concluding his tale. "I mean, _clothes_."  
  
"Duh," Hokuto replied, as if it were the obvious response. Maybe it was, to her; clothes held a very special place in her heart, and, thanks to that, on Subaru's poor body. "If I wanted to possess anything, it would _totally_ be clothes. Though not just any old boring suit, I mean jeez, did that spirit have any taste? I think _not_." She paused in her wild gestures for a second before continuing. "Then again, who'd want to be stuck with the same clothes forever? Nah, you're right. People are crazy."  
  
Not, of course, including herself. Subaru wondered if there was a tactful way to ask her what her criteria for insanity were.  
  
"That's what makes them so interesting," Seishirou interrupted, before Subaru could think of anything let alone say it. "I love Tokyo! It's like watching a train wreck!"  
  
On a side note, Seishirou definitely fell within these mysterious criteria. Or, as Hokuto privately put it, he was batshit insane. To be fair, he thought the same thing about her; they were both right.  
  
Following Seishirou's announcement, there was silence in the car. "Um," Subaru said hesitantly. "Seishirou-san, that was… kind of an evil thing to say."  
  
"Well, yeah," Hokuto snorted, rolling her eyes. "Maybe because he _is_ evil, Subaru."  
  
"Did you say something, Hokuto?" Subaru asked innocently. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear."  
  
Hokuto exchanged looks with Seishirou and both sighed. Sometimes, she wondered if maybe her twin wasn't just a little bit dense.  
  
Or maybe just really, really forgetful.  
  
~  
  
Technically, Subaru shouldn't let Seishirou accompany him on jobs. He knew this, of course, and he was generally very professional, despite his age.  
  
So that didn't really explain why Seishirou had accompanied him to Tokyo Tower. Maybe Subaru should have questioned why Seishirou wanted to be there, why he was allowing Seishirou to be there or why Seishirou could apparently see the ghost, but he hadn't. Perhaps he had forgotten.  
  
So now they were at the observation deck of Tokyo Tower, both of them, talking to a ghost that hated Tokyo. Sometimes, Subaru wondered about his life.  
  
Admittedly not very often, though, since it usually didn't occur to him how bizarre it actually was.  
  
"Tokyo sucks, man."  
  
"Um, isn't that a good reason to move on?" Subaru asked hopefully. "I could understand if you really liked the view from Tokyo Tower, but…"  
  
"I want people to share my suffering," she said sanctimoniously.  
  
This was not going according to plan.  
  
"That's not very nice," Subaru objected.  
  
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou said, sounding slightly strained, "she's a ghost. She doesn't have to be nice."  
  
"Damn straight," the ghost said smugly. "And I get to float through things and have a funky aura. Being a ghost is kind of cool, actually."  
  
"But you're not supposed to be a ghost," Subaru said weakly. "You're supposed to move on."  
  
"But that's _boring_!" she whined. "Look, I have mad telekinetic skills! I didn't have _those_ when I was alive!"  
  
Something zinged through the air towards Subaru's head and he moved to duck, surprised when Seishirou picked him up.  
  
"Your skills are very mad," Seishirou said irritably, "and we're very impressed, but did you have to aim at Subaru-kun's head?"  
  
"Sorry," she apologised. "I have bad aim. I can't even hit something from one foot away. Speaking of necessary, you're just taking this as an opportunity to grope that kid, aren't you?"  
  
"Would I do a thing like that?"  
  
"I don't know, you look like a paedophile to me…"  
  
A pause, and then Seishirou couldn't help himself.  
  
"Seishirou-san! Did you just light that ghost on fire?"  
  
"What? It's not like it hurt her!"  
  
Subaru blinked. "Well… well true, but… since when are you an onmyouji?"  
  
"Oh, that," Seishirou said shiftily. "Whoops, telling you must have completely slipped my mind."  
  
"Have you ever considered the fact that he may be evil?" the ghost asked tentatively. "I mean, just out of curiosity."  
  
Subaru stared at her. "But he's Seishirou-san," he said eventually. "Why would he be evil?"  
  
Seishirou very seriously contemplated banging his head into a wall.  
  
"Oh, whatever," the ghost said. "Look, isn't this the bit where I tell you my tale of woe?"  
  
"No," Seishirou said firmly. "This is the bit where we exorcise you, because I'd much rather be molesting Subaru-kun than hang around with you. No offence, but priorities."  
  
"Are you sure he's not evil?" she asked suspiciously. "I mean, he's definitely a paedophile."  
  
"Huh?" said Subaru, turning away from the window to blink at them. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"  
  
"Never mind," Seishirou sighed, wondering how much more obvious he'd have to get for Subaru to start picking up on at least the fact that he was evil if not the fact that he was hitting on him. Maybe he should invest in some neon signs. "Can we just go already?"  
  
"But the ghost…"  
  
"Don't mind me," she said testily. "I'll see myself out, thanks, since obviously no one is interested in hearing my life story."  
  
"How perceptive of you!" Seishirou said cheerfully, and she disappeared with a puff of smoke. "So, Subaru-kun, why don't we go grab a bite to eat?"  
  
Subaru stared at the space where the ghost had been in mild bemusement. "Yeah, okay."  
  
A long pause.  
  
"Um, Seishirou-san…"  
  
"Yes, Subaru-kun?"  
  
"Don't you, um. Need to put me down first?"  
  
"Oh, yes."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"… Er. Are you going to?"  
  
Seishirou managed to look almost sincere. "Of course," he lied, and mentally sighed when he put Subaru down again.  
  
Only to put his hand against the wall and effectively trap Subaru from moving.  
  
"Seishirou-san?" Subaru said nervously.  
  
Seishirou smirked. "Do you find me sexy, Subaru-kun?"  
  
Subaru turned bright red. "S-Seishirou-san! Don't joke about things like that!" He ducked under Seishirou's arm and hurriedly walked towards the exit. "Where would you like to go to eat?"  
  
Seishirou wondered mournfully why all the pretty ones had to be dense, and how precisely he might go about the purchase of customised neon signs.  
  
~  
  
"Sei-chan," Hokuto said, giving him a very meaningful and vaguely constipated look, "why don't you tell me about the first time you met Subaru? You know, the _first_ time?"  
  
"Oh, you mean that time at Ikebukuro Station?" Subaru said, wilting slightly. "I've told you about that, Hokuto."  
  
He didn't really want to talk about it again. Dwelling on how he'd mysteriously managed to trip over what he'd almost swear was magically solidified air while watching a bird that looked strangely like a shikigami and straight into the arms of a stranger was just embarrassing.  
  
Seishirou looked pained, and Hokuto made sympathetic hand gestures at him. "That wasn't the first time we met, Subaru-kun."  
  
Subaru blinked at him. "Huh?"  
  
"Yeah, I bet you guys met a _very long time ago_ ," Hokuto added significantly.  
  
"What, like a past life?" Subaru suggested.  
  
Hokuto and Seishirou wore identical expressions of suffering.  
  
"No, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said plaintively. "When you were nine. I gave you those brands on your hands."  
  
"These?" Subaru pulled off his gloves and dubiously held out his hands.  
  
In Kyoto, his grandmother felt the sudden urge to hit her head into something solid and wondered why.  
  
"You gave me these?"  
  
"Yes!" Seishirou exclaimed in relief.  
  
Subaru frowned lightly. "I think," he said slowly, "that I almost remember something like that."  
  
Foolishly, Seishirou began to hope that maybe Subaru would catch a clue.  
  
"But not very well," Subaru finished. "I think it must have been a dream. Anyway, Seishirou-san, that boy couldn't have been you, even though he did look an awful lot like you. For one thing, he was sort of evil. And for another he had mummy issues."  
  
Seishirou wondered why, out of all things, Subaru had to remember that.  
  
"Why don't we go to Ueno Park for a picnic?" Hokuto interrupted.  
  
"You know, I think there were sakura in my dream too."  
  
He also wondered what it would take before Subaru figured out he was evil/a paedophile/the Sakurazukamori/all of the above.  
  
"You know, Sei-chan's family name has sakura in it too. Like the Sakurazukamori!"  
  
"Wow, that's a funny coincidence!"  
  
Back to the drawing board.  
  
~  
  
Theoretically, winning the Bet should be easier if Subaru knows nothing about it; in practice, poor misunderstood Seishirou is beginning to get frustrated.  
  
He has some months left. We suggest he try a different tact, although perhaps not even neon signs would do the trick.  
  
Will Subaru ever get the hint?  
  
That remains to be seen. In the meantime, Seishirou would like it to be known that he really _is_ evil, and he is not just misunderstood or suffering from issues related to childhood trauma.  
  
With all due respect: we laugh.  
  
Until next time.


End file.
